Edo’s Log • えどのログ

Currently listening to nothing
Currently feeling…

Things gone worse. Someone told me about something. More losses.

That’s too many losses for this month only. Nothing gained.

PS: I’m really in my pit of life. There’s no way I’m getting out from here. Today is the last day of February 2006

Currently listening to outside noise
Currently bored, tired and sleepy

Original Plan:
GACC hicoms organized a BBQ party to moralize the comms. Forget about the BBQ thingie and finish the unfinished GACC website.

Rearranged Plan :
After being forced like crazy, leaves me no choice but to join them. For awhile only. I’ll drive there. After an hour being there, go back home and finish the GACC website.

Executed Plan:
Screw everything. Stay at the BBQ till it’s over.

—-

Took some videos, go download it if you want : http://nierchi.net/files/bbq.rar

PS: I usually go to the beach alone without telling anyone else. This is my first time going there with groups of people.

Currently listening some ‘noise’ coming out from Yuhi’s speaker
Currently ultimately depressed

February 2006 must be the most ultimate luck twister month in my life.

My loss just can’t stop and I’m losing more stuff. This is what ‘hatred’ can do to me. Instead of killing me, it leave me alive suffering, making me hate the ‘hatred’ even more, driving me into ‘hatred’. I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about.

Hello Edo,

I’m sorry but it’s the end of me in your project. I’m leaving your project. I joined another project already. I’m not telling you, who I’m working with now. I know that Yuko have been telling me bad stuff you and I know that she’s lying too. But, it’s too late. I’m really sorry.

I know that you help me a lot with stuff. You helped me with my work. You helped me with my gf. You helped me with my family problems. But seriously, I really can’t help you and I’m really sorry for giving you more reason to be depressed now.

Since Sarabee’s not around anymore, and Yuko also left your project, i dun think that this project is going to be successful anymore. I’m not trying to make things worst. I read your blog. I wanted to come back after I hear what happened but so sorry, it’s too late already. I’m really sorry.

Nice working with you. Bye.
Azahari

Tranlated to English. I receive 2 similiar mail today telling the similiar stuff, leaving me alone.

So, people keep on telling me to move. First, someone replace with someone else. Now, 2 of my only people left in the project is leaving me for another one. Yeah, tell me to move on.

I don’t mind if you wanna give me solutions, say pity me or write condolonses to me. I seriously dun mind that and will thank you. But telling me to “move on”? Save it, and please go screw yourselves. Hate people who pretend to understand or really understand telling me to do that. Just what the fuck.

—-

Now, my life really screwed up. Imagine Bill Gates and Microsoft went bankrupt. Lucky i’m not him. But what the hell. People just love to screw my life. They just don’t have no choice, but to screw my life. They love to “decide” on the option that screws my life.

So, today, 24 February 2006, Az Studios Lab is officially dead after 8 years of existence. It’s also the death of Project NierChi. The most important person in my life left me for someone else because of “no choice”. The most trusted person in my life turns into my betrayer by “choice” and deleted everything in my database that i’ve written for 8 years.Now, my “left-overs” left me behind.

Now, my betrayer successfully destroyed my morale and will to live. So, I’m fucking to going to fail my diploma, fucking can’t finish Sigma in time, fucking my finish GACC’s design. Just because… I’m feeling too lame.

What’s next? My father’s death? Maybe, he’s killing himself slowly with his cigarettes just because he want to enjoy his last days with his 3 times operated weak heart and polluted lungs. See, another people with choices not to screw my life choosing to screw my life. Maybe he’s drinking alcohol like fuck too. Who knows, he’s not in Malaysia. Yeah, you can tell me that he still send me money and gave me that n90 for my birthday present. But, why don’t he stop buying cigaretes and live longer? He can give us the extra money and the “extra life” to make our family lives easier. But no. He “decided”. He wanted to screw my life and indirectly telling me to move on. Can you bloody believe that he says “I smoke because I can’t live much more longer. So, I need to enjoy my last days”. WHAT THE FUCK? He’s dangerous personal entertainment is killing me.

Oh? There’s no point whining here anymore about him. I already sounded him but hell he’s going to listen to his son.

Now what? Try to ask my old members to come back. Better try than nothing right? Heh. Already did. Just hope the response is good. Better hope.

Yeah, everything is my fault. Because I’m feeling so lame, I can’t do stuff. Because I dun wanna move on, I’m suffering. What choices do I have? “MOVE ON”?

Human can say it so easily. They are thousands of people in Africa is dying right now. They are rape cases daily in the world. They are people who their other family members were killed in a single night. So, why am I bothering with such “small” cases personal problem of mine? Yeah, you can say that to me. Say it then.

A girl who died in a bus bombing during London 7/7’s husband said that “I believe that ‘if and only if’ is the most cruelest words in the world”. Hell, he’s right. IF and ONLY IF I can turn back time and evade this problem by ending the betrayer’s life.

I’m just… totally..

—-

*sigh*

I’m only 20. If I was destined to leave till 80 years old, I already used 25% of my life time. I hope that those people will realize what they have done to me and come back to me. Really hope they all come back. In a situation where you are totally hopeless, a tiny lil bit of hope is really something that i need. Hope. That… will be my kickstart. My only kickstart. Without a kickstart, the engine will never start and will be dead foverer until someone starts it.

PS: Why do people change just to make other people life worse? And feeling nothing about it?

Currently listening to nothing
Currently bugged, pressured, depressed, etc…

Writing this when the net’s currently dead. Weird thing is, IMs are running fine.

Currently stuck with Yuhi’s PC to finish GACC’s webbie. Oh, I’m supposed to finish it yesterday but hell, I ended up creating a new template for Yuhi’s blog. Ops.. Now, his blog looks better than mine.

Hell, I have more important stuff to tend to: GACC’s webbie. *sigh*. Still working on it now. It’s already 1am in the morning.

PS: The internet connection is UA is GAWD DAMN shitty. I wonder how my housemates survive here.

Currently listening to “Only Got One” by “Frou Frou”
Currently unexplainably depressed

Sorry. I’m supposed to post a long post here. I deleted the draft on purpose. I see, no purpose on telling the full story. These are the simplified version of it:

Person A : Schadenfreude and plans misfortune.
Person B : Schadenfreude.
Person C : Refuse to accept reality, tells D to accept reality.
Person D : Refuse to accept reality.

C and D is A’s prey. C leaves D for B. D is Edo.

–

It’s true. Some stories are better left untold. There’s no point of telling the whole story. What’s up there is pretty clear to me.

Sorry Li Sa. Sorry Adrian. I’m really sorry.

PS: You’ll find out. Sooner or later. Never not.

Currently listening to nothing
Currently feeling lame

Life got suck that it could go suckier anytime.

PS: An intro to a very long highly controversial post

Currently listening to “Log In” from “Avalon”
Currently busy

For the past 1 month… I’ve been doing..

NOTHING.

(more…)

This post was written last year. This post’s lost due to a stupid server company. Managed to retrieved it back from Google cache. So, here, I repost it again.

This will be the longest for ever posted by me. It’s a story about a guy who called himself Edo. Some story had never been talked before. Maybe you can see the hidden side of him now. Please click read more:

This is a true story. Not an altered story. Some private stuffs, of course, not included here.

—

Age 0 Years, 1986

I wuz borned in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. I’m the first child of my family.

Age 1 Years, 1987

My mom gave me a little younger brother (who will later transformed into a “physically bigger than me” monster). The only thing I can remember at this age is just memory flashes of my father’s green Suzuki jeep.

Age 2-4 Years, 1988-90

We left Sabah and went back to my original hometown in Semabok, Melaka.

Somewhere at this age, my cousin bought a computer. This is the first time in my life using a computer. The computer consists of a keyboard, an EGA monitor and a hard-diskless CPU with 2 5″ floppy drive slot. (Last year, me and my cousin explored inside the old comp and found out that the motherboard is full of IC’s and no chipsets at all. Half of the motherboard itself acts like a chipset.)

Age 5 Years, 1991

The first time I went to kindergarten (forgot it’s name). I found out that the outside world is… scary. I’m a spoit brat who dun wanna go to that kindergarten. Stopped half-way.

Age 6 Years, 1992

Went to a different kindergarten ( Tadika Banda Hilir, Melaka ). This time, it’s different. I felt that kindergarten is a very very nice place where there’s lotsa friends. Oh yeah, there’s only 5 Malay students there, and the other 30+ are chinese. I still remember that there’s one fat fucker who always bully me and one Malay girl.

Every morning, there will be a morning exercise stuff where me and my friends will skip and hide in the class. Heh heh heh.

Oh yeah, I’m one of the top scorer in class (I only found this out 2 years later, coz at that time, I dun know what the hell is the ‘ranking’ stuff is about). 3rd for the first sem and 1st for the 2nd Sem. “Eleh, tadika boleh lar.”

Age 7-9 Years, 1993-1995

I went to primary school this year ( SRK Seri Bandar, Melaka ). Yep, this is the year I became a good boy. Seriously. Ehem.

I’m one of the quiestest guy in class at that time. My mom teased me with refering me as a “mouse”. Hey, look at the bright side. My class teacher (I still remember her name, Puan Noraini), always ask the others to follow my attitude. Because of my good behaviour, my teacher always allow me to go out for recess early. Yes, making others jealous is good. Very good.

The real truth is… I’m too shy to talk with the others. The other boys is like.. naughty and nasty. Yep, gender discrimination at that time wuz at it’s top. This is the time where the naughty boys says “Hey girl, dun touch me”, “Girl dun play soccer”, “Girls are icky”, “Owh.. Please girls..” and where touching hands between different gender is like some super hard taboo or something.

In class, I’m sitting between 2 girls. I sit near the girls. That’s why I’m shy to talk to my “friends”.

Oh yeah, this is the year where my father left us again to New Zealand to work.

Later in Primary 2, I slowly become ‘normal’. Yep, slowly I’ve become ‘evil’. Muahahaha.

In Primary 3, I’m a super hot-tempered person at school. Talk one shit to me and I’ll make shit happens to you. At that time I dunno what happened to me. Pressure I guess. Oh yeah, this is the year where my cousin bought a new computer. Yup. More powerful one. Powered with Windows 3.1 and “mouse”. I’m really fascinated to know that the computer can read CDs. Kewl.

Age 10 Years, 1996

I’m in Upper Primary now. My definition for ‘Upper Primary’ is – Go home 40 minutes late. My temper slowly decrease and got emotional at times. Seriously, I dun fucking know what the hell happened at that time. It’s kinda embarassing remembering this stuff now. Heh heh heh. But the the age of 10 is the time where I have lots of fun.

Oh yeah, in Primary 3 I scored 1st in Final Exam. My dad came back from NZ and bought me a laptop. At that time owning a laptop is really something. The laptop has grayscale LCD screen at powered with Window 3.1. Only with Floppy Drives and no CD drive. Ceh.

My dad start to work at Singapore now. Comes back to Melaka every 2 week.

I love science at this age. I’m the top scorer in English and Science. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell this: They’re all Malays in my class since Primary 1. In Primary 4, there’s one Chinese kid came into our class. His name is ‘Wilson Chow’ (I forgot his full name. There’s an alpha student named ‘Wilson Chow’ too in MMU Student Directory but I’m not so sure he’s the guy). At that time, he’s the only one who can talk in English fluently. Yup, he’s my friend and my rival in English and Science.

I HATE MATH A LOT. I REALLY REALLY HATE MATH A LOT.

Age 11-12 Years, 1997-1998

I’m in Primary 5. This is the year where Az Studios Lab is formed and ‘Project Freaks Inc.’ (later changed to Project NierChi) started. I have no objective starting this project at that time. I love to write and draw weird stuffs at that time.

The 16th Commonwealth Games is held in KL, Malaysia at that time. Woohoo, me and my family went for the opening ceremony. Being there is totally different than watching in front of the TV.

Oh yeah, this year, my 12th Birthday party is cancelled a day before it happened. My father suffer heart attack and went straight to General Hospital at that time. Lucky he survived, unlucky for me to tell all my friends that the party is cancelled.

This is the year where one of my teacher refered me as ‘Melayu Celup’ since I’m always score in English and fail a lot in Bahasa Melayu. *Gao~*

Age 13 Years, 1999

I’m in a totally different atmosphere now. Yep. I’n in Secondary Education now (SMK Tinggi Melaka @ Malacca High School). I’m in the first class where now I’m really mixed with other races. Kewl.

One thing is obvious, most of the people in my class speaks in English. At that time, for me to speaking in English is like speaking an alien language. They always speaks English to me and I reply them back in Malay. Heh heh heh. I do this till Secondary 5.

At the end of this year, I found one kid named ‘Ernest Ng’. Till now, he’s my true rival. He got skills in art and comics. Still in MHS now doing Form 6.

This is the time where I totally get rid of my seriousness and my temper. I found out that it’s good to make people laugh and have fun. Starting from this year, I always hide my temper and continue to smile.

Age 14-15 Years, 2000-2001

Welcome to the New Milennium. Y2k? Why You Care?

In the year 2000, I still remember that I’m the Publisher of our class magazine. Before this, I made a series of scam newspapers for fun. Other’s in the class luv it so much and encourages me to do more. All the graphics done with my dusty old Windows 3.1 powered laptop (At that time, Window 98 and ME is at their top now).Yes, we’re going to prove that lower secondary kids than publish their own class magazine too. But later, the magazine is not published because the one who recommended us to do the magazine (our GPK2), abandoned our project. Asshole.

This is the year where I drew a lot of comic stuffs on exercise books… and desks. Heh heh heh. I still have the comic books till now, but too shy to share it because.. It’s sux now.

Oh yeah, I got my new computer at this year too. Pentium III 700Mhz, ATI Rage Graphics, 128MB SDRAM is really something WHOA at that time. Powered with Windows 98 since I’m not the fan of WinME. I got the internet too. The first game I played with this PC is SimCity 3 Unlimited.

I published my first website this year. I also learned Flash 4 and published one of my works to ‘Shockwave.com’. At this year, I do all my graphic stuff using ‘Ulead’.

In Secondary 3, me and my friends organized an interclass debate competition on our own. Yup, without teacher’s help. I’m one of the 4 heads leading the event. The event went superbly successful without a glitch. Damn were good.

If my memory serves me correctly, this is the year where I met Sarabee the Australian and my Yuko the Japanese cute gal on the net. I invited them into my project. More other members came to join this project.

Age 16-17 Years, 2002

I’m in Secondary 4. This is the first time I met Khurshid/Kidrock_y21k. Heh heh heh. One quiet asshole. Heh heh heh. I dun recognize him in school before, but he recognize my face (because of my messy uncomb kewl freakin hair). Khurshid became a member of Az Studios Lab.

My father left us again to work at New Zealand.

Somewhere in this year, I got my first fansub anime ( Khurshid gave it to me ). It was ‘Tales of Eternia’. But it’s really frustating watching episode 10-14 only (i wanna watch da rest). I’m really into fabsub at that time. I luv the fancy subtitles. Heh heh heh. I became a fansubber after that. I fansubbed 4 episodes of Tales of Eternia. My friend gave me the raw files, translation and subtitling software. What I do is just put in the text according to the timing. Easy stuffs actually. Later…. I quit. I found out that why waste my time fansubbing while they are others who can fansub.

So, Malaysian fansubbers outthere, please rethink what the hell are you doing.. er.. heh heh heh. Ehem.. ( Just ignore me if you fansub for life )

Somewhere in this year, Sarabee Hall died in a car crash. I received the news 2 weeks later after the accident. It’s great lost for other Az Studios Lab members.

Oh yeah, this year, we started a Malaysian Anime Reference site called ‘nier-anime’. The project is requested to be abandoned by one of the members with a reasonable reason.

Age 18 Years, 2003

GOOD BYE HIGH SCHOOL. YEAH!

While waiting for my SPM results, I worked at Shakey’s for 5 1/2 months. Yup, working is really run sometimes (especially PAY DAY, heh heh heh) and stressfull. With the money I earn at Shakeys, I bought a new powerful comp. I named the comp after my friend’s name who contributed a lot in my project (I named my comp ‘the_sarabee’). I worked as Kitchen Crew, then the manager asked me to work as Service Crew too. This manager will always make the newbies to do multitasking so they can learn more and serve the customers better. When the manager leaves us, a new manager came. Some newbies also left us. Now, I’m the only multitasking guy. Others, single tasking. Yup, it’s a pain for to experience everything. There’s one day that the manager asked me to do Cashier work. What da hell? Oh.. Lucky they didn’t ask to me do Rider’s (Delivery Crew) job.

My father’s side granma past away at 9 February 2003, 6 days after my birthday. This is the day where my father finally come back again from New Zealand. Sadly, my father couldn’t make it in time. My father came back 3 hours after grandma left us.

Later I quit Shakeys and went to Multimedia University Melaka Campus. This is where my life is at it’s peak, I guess. I’m accepted as a Diploma for Information Technology student (I applied for Faculty of Creative Multimedia at Cyberjaya and they rejected me. Stupid).

In MMU, I joined 2 organizations: Student Publication Board and EMiNA Melaka. I moved the_sarabee to Student Press Room 1 month after I joined SPB. I find out that SPB is more fucktup and whackier than I expected. Good Good.

I finally managed to get the nierchi.net DNS. Here, I will host all of my ideas, concepts, arts and even my blog that Dreamed about it for more than 7 years.

Age 991 Weeks and 2 Days, 2005

I wrote this post.

Age 1,043 Weeks and 4 Days

Retrieved this lost post from Google Cache and touch it up.

—

Happy Birthday Edo

PS: Happy Birthday Masami ( 2nd Feb ) and Adrian ( 4th Feb )!