Nothing but more losses

Currently listening some ‘noise’ coming out from Yuhi’s speaker
Currently ultimately depressed

February 2006 must be the most ultimate luck twister month in my life.

My loss just can’t stop and I’m losing more stuff. This is what ‘hatred’ can do to me. Instead of killing me, it leave me alive suffering, making me hate the ‘hatred’ even more, driving me into ‘hatred’. I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about.

Hello Edo,

I’m sorry but it’s the end of me in your project. I’m leaving your project. I joined another project already. I’m not telling you, who I’m working with now. I know that Yuko have been telling me bad stuff you and I know that she’s lying too. But, it’s too late. I’m really sorry.

I know that you help me a lot with stuff. You helped me with my work. You helped me with my gf. You helped me with my family problems. But seriously, I really can’t help you and I’m really sorry for giving you more reason to be depressed now.

Since Sarabee’s not around anymore, and Yuko also left your project, i dun think that this project is going to be successful anymore. I’m not trying to make things worst. I read your blog. I wanted to come back after I hear what happened but so sorry, it’s too late already. I’m really sorry.

Nice working with you. Bye.
Azahari

Tranlated to English. I receive 2 similiar mail today telling the similiar stuff, leaving me alone.

So, people keep on telling me to move. First, someone replace with someone else. Now, 2 of my only people left in the project is leaving me for another one. Yeah, tell me to move on.

I don’t mind if you wanna give me solutions, say pity me or write condolonses to me. I seriously dun mind that and will thank you. But telling me to “move on”? Save it, and please go screw yourselves. Hate people who pretend to understand or really understand telling me to do that. Just what the fuck.

—-

Now, my life really screwed up. Imagine Bill Gates and Microsoft went bankrupt. Lucky i’m not him. But what the hell. People just love to screw my life. They just don’t have no choice, but to screw my life. They love to “decide” on the option that screws my life.

So, today, 24 February 2006, Az Studios Lab is officially dead after 8 years of existence. It’s also the death of Project NierChi. The most important person in my life left me for someone else because of “no choice”. The most trusted person in my life turns into my betrayer by “choice” and deleted everything in my database that i’ve written for 8 years.Now, my “left-overs” left me behind.

Now, my betrayer successfully destroyed my morale and will to live. So, I’m fucking to going to fail my diploma, fucking can’t finish Sigma in time, fucking my finish GACC’s design. Just because… I’m feeling too lame.

What’s next? My father’s death? Maybe, he’s killing himself slowly with his cigarettes just because he want to enjoy his last days with his 3 times operated weak heart and polluted lungs. See, another people with choices not to screw my life choosing to screw my life. Maybe he’s drinking alcohol like fuck too. Who knows, he’s not in Malaysia. Yeah, you can tell me that he still send me money and gave me that n90 for my birthday present. But, why don’t he stop buying cigaretes and live longer? He can give us the extra money and the “extra life” to make our family lives easier. But no. He “decided”. He wanted to screw my life and indirectly telling me to move on. Can you bloody believe that he says “I smoke because I can’t live much more longer. So, I need to enjoy my last days”. WHAT THE FUCK? He’s dangerous personal entertainment is killing me.

Oh? There’s no point whining here anymore about him. I already sounded him but hell he’s going to listen to his son.

Now what? Try to ask my old members to come back. Better try than nothing right? Heh. Already did. Just hope the response is good. Better hope.

Yeah, everything is my fault. Because I’m feeling so lame, I can’t do stuff. Because I dun wanna move on, I’m suffering. What choices do I have? “MOVE ON”?

Human can say it so easily. They are thousands of people in Africa is dying right now. They are rape cases daily in the world. They are people who their other family members were killed in a single night. So, why am I bothering with such “small” cases personal problem of mine? Yeah, you can say that to me. Say it then.

A girl who died in a bus bombing during London 7/7′s husband said that “I believe that ‘if and only if’ is the most cruelest words in the world”. Hell, he’s right. IF and ONLY IF I can turn back time and evade this problem by ending the betrayer’s life.

I’m just… totally..

—-

*sigh*

I’m only 20. If I was destined to leave till 80 years old, I already used 25% of my life time. I hope that those people will realize what they have done to me and come back to me. Really hope they all come back. In a situation where you are totally hopeless, a tiny lil bit of hope is really something that i need. Hope. That… will be my kickstart. My only kickstart. Without a kickstart, the engine will never start and will be dead foverer until someone starts it.

PS: Why do people change just to make other people life worse? And feeling nothing about it?