I’m A Bad Guy
Currently listening to nothing
Currently …
You may skip reading this post as it saturated with “emo” contents. There’s nothing wrong with a guy just trying to express his feelings… After reading, you will understand why I’m an asshole. You have been warned.
One of my biggest regret in my life: “Being late”
Ok, how should I start this?
3 years ago, I’ve met a girl… and I like her. Unfortunately, I’ve never expressed it before and she never knew about it. Not going to mention who but some of you knows exactly who I’m talking about.
A PE01 chinese girl. She was photographer for SPB during 2004/2005 session. Also ex-EMiNA member. Living in the next lane from my grandma’s house in Petaling Jaya. Somewhere around my size. Keep on calling herself weird. An average girl. And she got a BIG SIZED boyfriend now. Studying in Cyberjaya now.
Sounds familiar? I didn’t tell anyone that I liked this girl, except for Kelvin. Yeah, you could write her name in the “comments” later just to be sure.
I was her division head at that time, so actually I know what her SPB assignments at that time. So, actually I went out and “stalk” her during her work. Ok, I’m not really a “stalker” since I actually revealed myself that I’m there and sometimes help her out. She looked damn cute using a camera. Hmm, I’m really talking like a stalker now. I didn’t put much hope in her, plus some more I’m a malay guy. The possibility of a chinese girl to fell in love with a malay guy is extremely low ( even though I’m not a pure malay ).
I’m pretty sure that NO ONE knows that I liked her. Maybe Thye Shin suspected something, and tried to set me up with her. I dunno. Oh, I’m pretty sure that she have no idea that I liked her at all.
I found out later that there was somewhere who’s “faster” than me. Her classmate, a BIG SIZED malay guy. That… is really depressing to know. The next year, she went to Cyber campus and I have no choice but to kill my efforts. I regreted big time that I didn’t confess to her earlier. Life goes on and slowly I’ve forgotten about her for good… so I’ll be less depressed. Slowly, people began to know that I liked her.
Sigh. I never expressed my feelings towards her… until yesterday.
Me, Aaron and YiChong ( leaving me the only “single” guy in the car ) went to Putrajaya yesterday for Malaysia International Fireworks Competition (MIFC). I was too sleepy to drive to I sat/sleep behind and let Aaron drive. Then… things became even more interesting.
YiChong told me he invited “her” to come with us. And YiChong knows quite well that I was crazy over her last time. And.. we picked her up at Cyberjaya. Again, with her in the car, I’m “still” the only “single” person in the car. And that sucks. Now stop telling me there’s nothing wrong being single or being single is good.
Ok, there was me, sitting “closely” next to someone that I crazed in a small car. Yep, my efforts of trying to forget about her or to move on, instantly vanished. Oh hell, I’ve committed a crime now. I’m flirting with someone’s girlfriend who in a relationship for 2 years plus. Dammit, I missed her. Dammit. This is evil.
But I noticed something extremely different. I felt that… I’m totally different than how I was 3 year old. I was a shy guy around her and now… I can blurt out everything and talk non-stop without stutters.
So, in the end, I found out that… I’m still into her. I’ve been pretending to forget about her all along and have been telling lies to myself.
I still “like” her.
Well, i can’t use the other “L” word without being killed by his boyfriend; but you got my point. Ok, this is getting even more “wrong”. Stealing other people’s girlfriend is BAD and ethically wrong. I’m pretty sure that she’s not into me anyway. She don’t even know me well. I have experiences that other guys steal my girlfriends before. Maybe that’s because I suck… or the girl suck ( or it could be both ).
Now, this is the part where people start to tell me “there are so many fishes in the sea”; but i don’t want random fishes. I want someone that i know. There are also people who’s telling me to be “selfish” at times, because if I don’t do it, I’ll regret it and will feel like crap if I don’t. I can’t say that I’m a good guy since I did “naughty” things before. Now, I choose not to be selfish and not to be lame at the same time… but I just can’t.
Maybe I should wait for miracles. What kind of miracles, I have no idea. Maybe one day she broke up with that guy and leave her open to chance again… just like last time. I would be a sick bastard if I wish that to happen, but subconsciously, I might selfishly wanted anything to happen so I could be with her.
Sigh. I’m a bad guy. I’m really a bad guy. I think it’s time for me to do something about myself first before start worrying about others.
Until now, I regret for not telling her……….
PS: that I still “like” her.
PS2: Next, my trip to MIFC + fireworks pics.
“there are so many fishes in the seaâ€; but i don’t want random fishes. I want someone that i know.
I feel you. I get that ALL the time. Cakap macam la kita pegi pasar beli ikan bawal.
Edo: Yeah. I got that all the time too. Especially from coupled someone ~. Some even tell me there’s billions of girls in China.
Bukan ikan bawal. Ikan siakap da. Baru ada standard sikit.
Edo: How about Koi?
Herm…. Love maybe good, but somewhat sucks in such a way. If u confess to her,
1. At least u wont feel bad sebab u dah confess.
2. You will die on the day itself (u go suicide or stomp dead by her current boyfriend, your choice)
3. If she’s so “OPENMINDED”, she might tell you that she likes you before (which will make u happy) or kill ur feelings (which is bad and would make u go suicide).
But, apakan daya, perkara dah pun berlalu.. :(
Edo: =_=; I think you didn’t get my point. I dun really care what’s happening on the side dude, because there’s nothing wrong on the other side. It’s just “this” side.
Aku tahu apa yg ko cuba terangkan. Cinta bertepuk sebelah tangan quote thing kan? Sebab tu aku cakap, are u sure yg dia takde terlintas langsung tuk bercouple dgn ko sebelum ni? Think about that. For me la… a relationship for 2 freaking years, masih tak stabil lagi. Biar la org kata apa pun, yg penting apa yg ko rasa sekarang? Ko rasa sakit hati sebab tak confess kan? Sampai bila ko nak sakit hati? Try la tanya dia baik2, tuk kurangkan kesakitan hati ko. ok?
Edo: =_=;
Tell her u liked her before. Be honest. If she broke up with that guy, hey u got a chance. Just a chance, don’t be too happy about it.
But hoping deep down inside that she’ll break up with him is no good. It definitely doesn’t mean she’ll be interested in you.
Laugh about it when you’re married…to a Chinese?
Edo: ?
Hey I know her :D
Edo: Yeah, you do know her and she do know you.
You know what. I totally understand your feelings. I was in the same situation not long back and I still regret it at times.
The thing is, when people fall in love, there is a tendency to go overboard at times, and some unrealized ones truly do stick in your brain for a pretty long while. I’ve myself had many negative thoughts while I had my crush and I’ve hated myself over and over again whenever I start thinking of it.
Well, in this case, regret is probably an emotion one can’t avoid feeling, but such are the fate of cowards who don’t want to take the next step. I still hate myself at times for that.
Good luck to both of us, pal.
Edo: Erm.. yeah. Good luck to both of us
So, meeting her last Friday, I totally understand how you feel. Some of the things you say in your post, I could see it a bit, here and there. *pats back* What to do macha. This is something that you will regret for quite a long time, but it won’t kill you.
“there are so many fishes in the seaâ€; but i don’t want random fishes. I want someone that i know.
Haih. Faham perasan tu sangat-sangat. Apa nak buat, kita dah macam tu. Life goes on. Sucks, I know. But… *sigh* dah terlepas dah…
Edo: I missed her T_T
All your fault for not employing my services when I was at the peak of my career. Look at Quek and Eugene, all satisfied customers.
Anyway, GOLDEN RULE: A guy has maximum 3 time to tell a girl that he likes her. After that if she still rejects then forget it.
You my friend, has 3 unspent slots ;)
Edo: =_=; I’m glad that I didn’t use your services or I’ll regret even more lol.
u want that fish ? i thought u randomly go for that kind of fish doest matter which one… u just need some cute chinese girl wearing glasses … shorter , speaks english can handle a nerd !
Too bad for u cant find that in china … though they have at least 10mil hotgirls ur age …
i agree with banu .. confess to a girl , more then 3 times u have to forget her , i tried 30 time though : )
edo i understand how u feel on keeping it inside there could be a chance that she reads ur blog and confess to u ^^ and always look on the bright sight
Yeah…go ahead and tell her.
Wow. This post has attracted the sympathy/advice/I_told_you_so’s of a lot of people.
I’ll just comfort you with this, girls like bad boys.
late commentor… but i KNOW who she is… mmg long time ago tahu… 2 years ago tahu…
after reading this post again, one thing stays still
I regretted for being “late”
I love you, Ce-Yi. Forever and ever.
Tell u a secret. Thye Shin yumcha with us and he brought up this matter for us to laugh, saying that you are fucking stupid to love a Chinese girl, unless you want to convert. Aaron that time backstabbed you, saying that you only dream of it. Now that I told you what they said, I am relieved. I was browsing thru ur old posts when I stumbled this one, as I still remember it very clearly. Wana keep my identity a secret.