Edo’s Log • えどのログ

8234 Days Checkpoint

Currently —
Currently —

I don’t like you to read more. Do ignore this post.

When you’re reading this, it means that you clicked read more to continue reading. I put that up not for reverse psychological purposes. I really meant it. This post is not worth to be read. I typed this post to express myself what I’m feeling about myself now. This is the part where you go “Edo’s Emo, again”. Indeed, I am emo-ing now, and stressed too.

Again, you can ignore this post. Some might find it disgusted, pointless and may be hilarious too. I just had to speak out my mind, for those who’s willing to know more.

What are you going to do with your life? Can you see yourself in 5 years time? Is it, bright? Are you happy with it?

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I… had a bad life currently. I had no idea where to start, but from the way I see it, I’m not going through a good one. That’s what I thought.

Not as bad as those who are suffering in Africa or poor people but I just had this annoying dissatisfaction of what I’ve been through. My life management has been… terrible.

For almost a month, I couldn’t sleep properly. Only able to sleep after I tire myself. After I manage to get myself sleeping, I’ll continue to sleep… as long as I can. Sleeping keeps my mind stable… but makes me lazier than before, by a lot.

There’s too many things that bothers me. I’m a guy who had a hard time letting go off my past, that’s one of em. I can be very emotional when it comes to my past. It good that it teaches me a lot but the experience and nightmare were carried forward to present day. Desperate, I would love to erase everything, and start from the scratch. I even tried to use hypnotism methods to clear out my past. Not kidding, and at some point, it did, Only to bring more painful experience after recovering those what I’ve forgotten. It stings and at time I wish that everybody would just die and leave me alone. Or kill myself and leave them alone.

Maybe, I thought too much. The other day, I almost ran over a red light. Where the hell did my mind wondered off? I was wondering wat happens wat IF my cute lil kancil completely dies, am I able to afford a new car without giving more problems to my parent? These ridiculous thoughts plagued my head. Pointless thoughts.

Maybe most people solves this problem by consuming a lot of alcohol, so they can get drunk. I can’t afford it, I can’t afford killing my livers for a temporary solution. So, I did the hard way AND good way by trying to solve all my problems, so that later I can be proud of it.

I believe in, just as long I don’t harm others, no harm will return to me. If something did happened to me, I’m completely innocent or maybe it’s just an accident. But at times, I do harm.. without knowing it’s “harming” others.

I hate myself. 20th August 2008, that’s today’s date and the time is 12.26am : I HATE MYSELF at this moment. Why? Because of these “sudden” rush of thoughts swirling inside my little head. Thoughts of “omg, what have I’ve done”, “I’m going to kill that bastard”, “this society is rotten”, “everybody should die for the sake of me”, “I should die for the sake of other” and a lot more contradicting ideas.

I hate myself now. I HATE IT SO MUCH. This.. this, RIDICULOUS self of me. Previously I can jump into any circles and cracks some jokes by now, I’ve lost my touch. Why am I so depressed. Just why?

What’s so problematic with my life? What’s SO wrong with my life?

I have a girlfriend that I can be proud of. I have a very good computer, added with the fact that my father gave his uber laptop to me. I have a slightly better phone than others. I have a good DSLR. I have considerably good design skill. I’ve being offered to work in few companies who’s willing to pay quite high although I’m still stuck doing my diploma. I HAVE A CAR!

But just why the fuck can’t I be satisfied with my life? Am I that spoiled? I don’t want to be spoiled brat. The fact is, most probably… I might be. Or maybe, I’m just addicted to depression.

I tried to be independent. I mean, I’m tryING to be independent. I moved out from my house because I wanted to know how being away from home felt, and I like it. I do freelance work because I want to taste my own cold hard cash, and I like it. I joined several events and pushed myself to see what I can achieve.

Maybe I set my goals in life too high. All I wanted now is to be satisfied with what I have… and push further in an interesting way. Stress free life. I always wanted to make my life’s journey interesting, not getting to the good destination. Right now, I can’t imagine myself in 5 years time. I was so good at doing it last time but now, nothing. I don’t dare to think about myself in another 5 years time.

Too bad that I’m so stressed now that I can’t focus properly on ANYTHING. Shit just.. keep on coming.

I lost my laptop charger which costs around RM230, with the money that i planned to buy a new 500GB. My bro’s car acting up and costs more money to repair, with the money that my mom promise to fix my car’s aircond ( which I don’t really care now ). My mom face is completely different since financial crisis struck the family. Going through nightmares over my academic matters. Stupid clubs trying to cheat me with design fees. Jealous over my friends who graduated happily and had a good time during convocation. Can’t stop thinking of my bro who’s actually going to graduate next year with a DEGREE.

And… I rarely go out with anyone now. Girlfriend’s in cyber. Best friend is working now. Some of my friends GRADUATED. Some of my friend ended up being freeloaders in SPB. Some of my friends no longer in Melaka. Other’s busy with their work. I like, my life started to SUCK before I even step into the working world. But again, it’s not like it’s their fault. Some are affected with my current self. Some, are DRAGGED into my problems with my current self. Some just don’t bother.

But then again, everybody have their own problem.

What I’m going to do now is… stop taking freelance work. Then move on by fixing things slowly in my life.

My God. I feel like punching my monitor now. Seriously. I just keep on going “i wanna solve my problems” over and over again, but stuck seeing I’m too stressed to do anything. I just don’t know what’s going on with me now.

I feel like eating a lot good food and at times, I don’t feel like eating at all.

Tomorrow. I’m taking my car out. Fuel it up. And I’m going to take my camera with me. I’m, going to go out and have a photography outing. I want to forget about everything in my life, all those nasty stress and run away from it. I want to prove myself that I’m still a happy man, and I believe that I’m still a happy guy.

PS: 8234 days, is quite a lot.