RePost: Movies ~
September 6, 2005 – 11:32 amThis is a repost. This post gone with the old server so, here it is again, salvaged from neXt-Boards.
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After reading the article about how crappy Malay drama is from Fird’s Blog, I wanted to throw in my own research result here about shows. Not limited to Malay movies first, I wanna critisize Hollywood, Bollywood, and Chinese too.
Hollywood
Currently they have the best technology in creating movies and produces solid high quality pictures. No one’s perfect:
* Like everyone know, most of the heroes are tough. If they die, they’ll die slowly - able to give his last words to someone. The bad guys mostly die instantly.
* They own kewl computers… I think. Everything they clicks and pops up on the screen generate kewl sound effects. And the OS they’re using is very unique - kewl GUI, kewl interface… everything.
* Same thing with their scanners. Their scanners generate kewl sound effects too. Unlike BBU’s card reader which only produces lame “treeeeet” sound.
* They wanna blow up everything. Yes.. more explosive proves them they have super big ass budgets.
* They look at the screen when doing video conferencing, but at the other side, it looks like they looking at the camera.
* There’s no need to lock ur car. When people comes out from their car, they just leave their car, without locking it or press set the alarm.
* Cheap budget movies always have their sequel with the movie’s number. Eg: Something Something 2.
Bollywood
Owh, this section is the 2nd best.
* SFX - no need to explain. They can punch people with explosive sound effect.
* Logically, no ape, orang utan (or anything in chimpanzee family) can ride a motorbike to save hostages after it received a phone call. But in Bollywood movies, nothing is impossible.
* They uses time freeze and teleportation technologies in their movies. When the singing and dance part arrives, they can wear 8 different type of clothes at 8 different type of places in 30 minutes. If they in a town, village or somewhere crowded, people will come and help dance along with them.
* Their voices become totally different when they’re singing
* Like everyone knows, heroes always lose first…
* Heroes will gain god-like powers when he meet the evil big boss
* Approximately, they’ll be 8 songs per movie
* Rolling on the floor is a must
* Hiding behind trees is a must too
* ‘Zero Cool’ opening credits
Hong Kong
I’m talking about serious Kung Fu movies here, not the comedy ones:
* They can fly on the air like no body’s business. Not even a polysterine board can fly that high. Maybe they’re lighter than the polysterine board.
* An unarmed human being can destroy a whole building by just blowing it
* The emperor look so cheap and their bodyguards are so.. stupid
* Some of them have Bollywood like sound effects too.. but a bit different
Hispanic Dramas
* Super lengthy series without season. They will always try their best to extend and drag the storyline.
* They’re rich and own big ass mansions
* The background music can change in flash
* Men do cry
* ‘Absolute Zero Cool’ intro. The intro music will stick in your head for days
Malay
Ehem, like people always says. Save the best for the last.
* IMPORTANT RULE NO.1 - Yusof Haslam and his movie suxs… clear?
* They spend their budget on unnecessary stuffs. A turned over and exploded Pajero is not impressive at all.
* The Producers will always blame the locals for not supporting their movies. Dude, I dun wanna watch your crappy movie. Who asked them to create some stupid movies
* Most of them a Yusof Haslam’s love story. Urgh. 90% of will tell the story abuot how the hero/heroine’s parents doesn’t approve his/her relationship with someone.
* Super stupid titles. Eg: Mr.Cinderela, Janji Diana. What da hell is that?
* Super stupid posters. They will try to fit everything into the poster with names. Lame fonts too.
* The scary movies turns out to be a comedy movie
* Most of them use Apek Senario to the make movie interesting.. and stupid.
* Dun worry.. Ilegal night racers will not last long. The police is way way to good.
* Police talks very politely among each other even when they’re rude.
* If they wanna do car chasing scene, they will always do it at night when the highway is clear. If it’s not at night, the chase scene will be located at quiet locations like in an rubber estate, hillsides, under construction housing area.. etc
* The people in the movies are superbly good in their Malays. They pronounce Malay words better than my BM teacher at school. Even the chinese in the movies speaks Malay to their family too.
* In Gerak Khas - officers talks in formal tone. It’s so pathetic that it’s like reading a script or my high school text book.
* They’re proud of their crappy CG effects. I still remember a trailer of a crappy police themed movie - they’re keep on talking how kewl the special effects they used. Trust me, the special effects shown in the movie are super lame that MMU students can do it better
* There’s one scene in a Malay drama that this is guy is video conferencing with someone. It’s full screen and the fps is like.. flawless. It’s obvious that the screen is added later during video editing
* The Gangsters are stupid. Their base are always located in a forest or a jungle.
* School kids are brainwashed before a scene in class starts. All the student are very ’skema’ and quiet. The teacher’s way of teaching is so… weak. If that kind of teacher is teaching in real school, trust me, that teacher will be whacked by the students in 5 secs.
* School kids are obsessed with their text-book. They normal speech among each other students sound like they’re reading a book or a script.
* Drama with eastern slangs - They will do it overly. There’s a level when even the natural eastern people can’t understand what the hell they’re talking
* ‘Absolute Super Stupid Zero Cool’ Intro
* The VCD Telemovies are crappy. ‘Barney and Friends’ VCD’s quality is way way way better.
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There’s more.. I’m just too lazy to type
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Not worth to read it again if you already read it. Just wanna repost it again for the archive.. Hehehe..
